How to Communicate Effectively in a New Relationship

If communication is an essential key to a great relationship, why are so many of us not very good at it? Men over 50 are famously silent, but many women also have a problem in the area of communication. At SilverSingles, we don’t want to just “introduce” mature singles to one another — we want them to find lasting love.

This article will focus on becoming a better communicator and a better listener. If you follow our advice, it may just save you a few misunderstandings, avoid future arguments, and create a solid foundation for your relationship.

What is Communication in a Relationship?

Most people believe that they have a good idea of what communication is like, but when it comes down to actively communicating, they fall down in one area or another. How often have you found yourself hearing or saying one of these lines:

• “Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.”
• “Could you repeat that? I have a lot going on around me.”
• “I’m just not a great texter.”
• “I apologize for not being clearer.”

These excuses are common to the point that they’re almost cliches, but they’re also signs of poor communication skills. And notice that they’re not all related to speaking. In a relationship, you can communicate via an in-person conversation, body language, a phone call, a text message, a note, an email, and many other meetings. Whether you say something via text or in person, your message has weight, and you should treat the messages you receive as something of value.

Techniques for Effective Relationship Communication

We polled our dating experts as well as some former SilverSingles members who have found love on our over 50s dating platform. Here are some of the tips and advice that they recommend for any relationship.

Active Listening Techniques

Active listening shows your partner that you’re understanding their message as they intended it. In order to achieve active listening, you have to make sure that you’re listening to (or reading) the message as it’s being delivered. Avoid going into “auto-pilot mode,” where you’re absently nodding or mumbling the last few words of your partner’s sentences. Instead, engage in these practices:

• Paraphrasing – Repeat back the thought or message in different words. “What you’re saying to me is . . . ” This technique is often used in other areas of our lives, but it’s especially handy in relationships.
• Encouragement – If you find your partner pausing or searching for their thought, encourage them to go on. “Hey, I know it’s tough to talk about this, but you’re doing great.”
• Probing Questions – When you need clarification on a point, ask. For example, “When you say, “your job is ‘thankless,’ what do you mean? Your boss? Your peers?”
• Use Body Language – Face your partner and make sure that your eyes are attentive. Nod occasionally and use hand gestures to avoid interrupting their thoughts. You can draw information out, for instance, by doing a “come here” gesture with your fingers.
• Don’t Interrupt – Nothing says, “I just want to get to my turn” than interrupting. If you’re not careful, you can shut your partner down, and they may never tell you what they are going to say.
• Validation – If you agree with something, it’s a good idea to let them know. If they’re still talking, keep it short. Say, “One hundred percent,” or just point with your index finger. It will let your partner know that you’re a receptive audience.

Expressing Feelings Clearly

So, now it’s your turn to talk, and it’s important that your partner understands your thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears. Here are a few ways that you can ensure that they’re receiving your message:

• Think about what you want to say in advance. If it’s a large matter, you may want to write down a few talking points or discuss it with a trusted friend.
• Avoid sending confusing messages. For example, if you want to spend more time with your partner, say so. “I would like us to spend more time together.” A confusing message might sound like, “I feel like you’re prioritizing everything else over me.” This may also be true, but it doesn’t address time.
• Ask them if they understand what you mean, but avoid putting your partner on the spot. “Hey, I just want to make sure you understand what I’m talking about.”
• Watch their body language and level of attentiveness. You can get a lot of feedback from observing your partner. If you think their attention is divided, you don’t need to turn a discussion into a confrontation. Just say something like, “I need to make sure you’re hearing me.

Setting Communication Boundaries

Many people in our generation have come from poor relationships, or we grew up in households that didn’t offer great examples of what a solid relationship should look like. Solid communication should be effective, respectful, and, hopefully, absent of regrets. You’ll need to respect each other’s boundaries: yours, theirs, and the ones you establish together. Here are a few strong boundaries that you should set, along with a few that might work for you.

• No Yelling – Some couples make an agreement to immediately stop talking when the first person raises their voice. This can be difficult at the moment, so it’s important to set this boundary when you are both getting along.
• No Cursing or Name-calling – Effective communication is respectful. Name-calling and strong language are abusive.
• Mandatory Cool Down Periods – You may consider instituting a break when you can see a discussion turning into an argument.
• Physical Distance – Many people are survivors of abuse. Even if you’ve never raised your hand to a partner before, they may have unresolved triggers. Create some physical space between the two of you.

Using Technology Wisely

The communication tools that we carry with us every day can be a blessing and a curse. However, if your focus is effective communication, you can use these modern miracles to bolster your communications.

Here are some tips for using your tech to help improve communications:

Returning Text Messages

When a person sends you a text message, they have no idea what you’re doing at that moment. They may have decided to text you at a really bad time. As long as you remember to text back, it’s fine to take a beat before getting back to them. If you’re bad at remembering to return texts, consider not opening a message until you can give it the attention it deserves.

Prioritizing Different Communication Modes

Many people prioritize phone calls over text messages. Or they reserve calls for deeper discussions. Some people send important information via email and use social media DMs to share memes. Whatever you decide, be consistent.

Get on the Same Platform

She might prefer SMS text messages. He might like to use WhatsApp. They may only message through Instagram. If you don’t have a preference, just respond back on whichever platform they use. On the other hand, if you really hate opening an app, ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind using SMS (or whichever platform you prefer).

Building Emotional Intimacy

If you’ve been reading this article and thinking, “Wow, effective communication is a lot of work.” Well, in the beginning, it can be. But it’s almost like starting a new job. For the first few months, you’re just learning the culture, climate, and just the way things are done. After that, it’s smooth sailing. When you are in the beginning phases of a new relationship, you have to learn to communicate, but it does get easier.

And the rewards are much greater. Effective communication leads to greater emotional intimacy. You may even find, after a while, that you and your partner have a way of communicating that no one else gets. When you communicate on that level, it’s the basis for a truly lasting relationship.

Feedback and Appreciation

As we mentioned in the previous section, effective communication is a lot of work. You can encourage effective communication by rewarding the behavior. This is especially critical when your partner is having a difficult time discussing a subject. You could say, “That was really brave. Thank you for opening up to me about that.” These kind words will foster an open environment for discussion.

But giving positive feedback doesn’t end with matters of communication. You should use kind words to praise or show appreciation in other areas of your relationship. Normalize the words “thank you.”

Be Sincere

Insincerity is damaging, and your partner will pick up on it. Avoid it at all costs. Show your partner that you respect them by being truthful in your words.

SilverSingles is the number one dating site for mature singles over 50. If you aren’t in a relationship, try SilverSingles today!