Setting the expectations for an Exclusive Relationship

Just because you’ve reached your maturing years does not mean that you’re ready to settle down again. Many SilverSingles members are single because they’re left in painful situations and are still healing. Others are unsure if they want to open a new chapter in their life with a significant other. However, if you are seeking an exclusive relationship, it’s important to be on the same page with the person you’re dating. If you’re not sure where you stand, this can be an uncomfortable conversation. This article will:

• Help you be more certain that you’re ready for an exclusive relationship
• Tell you about the signs that your partner is interested in an exclusive relationship
• Give you tips about how to bring up the subject of exclusivity.
• Help you identify exclusivity parameters for your relationship.

Remember, many great relationships have started on the SilverSingles dating platform  — the number one website and app for singles over 50. It’s a place where you can find exactly what you’re looking for — including an exclusive relationship. Sign up today to find the love of your life.

What Exclusivity in a Relationship Means

There are different forms of exclusivity and it’s important that your partner understands what you mean when you say that you want to be exclusive. For some people, exclusivity means sexual monogamy. In other words, other things may go — flirting, dating, etc. — but neither party will have sex with anyone else. However, for most people, exclusivity means that both parties will not entertain romantic overtures from anyone else. Some would go as far as to say that exclusivity must also include a plan for marriage.

No matter what your personal definition of exclusivity is, you should make sure the other person is in agreement. Don’t get too caught up on the word “exclusive.” Make sure you have a meeting of the minds. Here are a few parameters for defining exclusivity.

• Discuss Acceptable Behavior – For example, is going to dinner with a coworker of the gender they’re attracted to acceptable? Is it okay to be friends with exes? Do you need to clear it with one another if you go to coffee with a friend?
• Reporting Romantic Advances – Some people would prefer not know every time a coworker, server, or person on the street approached their significant other. Others believe that not disclosing this information is a lie by omission.
• Cohabitation – Is there a plan to move in together or is the discussion strictly about dating other people. Any discussion about exclusivity can lead to talks about taking things to a more committed level, so be sure you’re ready to talk about other relationship milestones.
• Boundaries – If the other person’s definition of exclusivity is too narrow, you may want to introduce your own boundaries. For instance, “I’m fine with not dating anyone else, but I’m not going to stop seeing my friends. You will have to trust me.”
• Space – Exclusivity doesn’t necessarily mean constantly being in one another’s company. You may want to discuss your needs regarding space. For example, do you want a periodic night off from being together? That’s perfectly reasonable, even in an exclusive relationship.

Managing Expectations

It can be difficult to set the right tone when you’re discussing the possibility of an exclusive relationship. For example, many people see the decision to be exclusive as a stepping stone to a more permanent arrangement, like cohabitation or marriage. Others see it as a commitment without expectations. Here are a few suggestions to help with managing expectations.

• Start the conversion by discussing your needs. Why do you feel that the relationship should be exclusive? For example, “As I grow closer to you, I feel that I need to know that I’m not sharing you with someone else. I hope you feel the same way.”
• Talk about what you expect from an exclusive relationship and what you don’t. “Listen, I’m not saying that we should rush into anything like marriage or moving in together, but I don’t want to share you with others. And I don’t want to date anyone but you.”
• Offer a trial period. Be sure that you make sure that the trial period could lead to a more solid commitment. “Hey, listen, while we’re seeing where this relationship goes, what do you think about being exclusive with each other.”
• Be ready for rejection. Just because a person doesn’t want an exclusive relationship right now doesn’t mean that they never will. In fact, it doesn’t even mean that they’re actively dating other people. It could simply mean that they’re not ready. If they don’t want to have an exclusive relationship, it doesn’t hurt to ask why. You may decide that an open relationship isn’t for you and decide to end it, but avoid forcing an ultimatum.

Ideally, you’ll be in a place where you can anticipate your partner’s response before you have the conversation, but there is always the chance that you’ll be surprised.

Handling Relationship Conflicts

You may find yourself in a situation where you and your partner are not of the same mind about exclusivity. Perhaps they want an exclusive relationship, and you’re not ready, or vice versa. If you don’t want your conflict to turn into an argument that possibly ends the relationship, you will want to prepare to handle the conflict. We’ve tailored our advice to fit three scenarios:

Scenario 1 – You Want an Exclusive Relationship, but They Don’t

You’ve decided that you want to be exclusive, but they say they’re not ready or are unlikely to ever be ready.

• Consider their reasons for not wanting a committed relationship. Are they acceptable to you?
• Do you want the relationship to continue even if you can’t have exclusivity?
• Are they indicating that they will move to a committed relationship?
• Do you believe that the relationship still has value?
• Will you avoid dating other people even though your partner has not committed to do the same?

Knowing the answers to these questions will help you avoid conflict. It’s important that you try to remain calm when discussing the situation. There is a big difference between saying, “Have you considered that this means that I can also date other people?” and then, “Fine, then I’m going to go ahead and start dating!”

Scenario 2 – They Want an Exclusive Relationship, but You Don’t

You might be in a situation where your partner is asking for exclusivity, but you don’t feel that you’re ready. Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you want to keep seeing this person? Ultimately, your feelings may not be strong enough for this kind of commitment.
• Is there a middle ground that would be satisfactory to both you and the other person?
• Are you willing to commit to exclusivity if the alternative means losing the other person?
• When do you think you would be ready for an exclusive relationship?

Keep in mind that your rejection of their proposal may be hurtful. Try to gently explain your position to them. For example, “I was married for twenty years. I just need more time to get in that sort of mindset.” If you don’t want an exclusive relationship, be firm in your resolve. Few things can ruin a relationship than the feeling of being trapped.

Scenario 3 – You Have Different Ideas About Exclusivity

You both want an exclusive relationship, but you have different ideas of what that means. Here are some questions that you should consider:

• Is your partner’s position reasonable?
• Is there a common ground that both parties can accept?
• If you have a “sticking point,” would you end the relationship over it?
• Should you postpone the exclusivity conversation until your feelings are both aligned?

Use a gentle touch to explain your position. “To me, exclusivity just means that we’re not dating other people. Can we just do that for a while and see if it leads to some of the things you want from a committed relationship?”

Using Conflict Management When Discussing Dealbreakers

When you’re talking about commitment, it’s not uncommon for people to have dealbreakers. If you think hard enough about it, you certainly have some conditions that you would not accept under any circumstances. Before you try to discuss this with someone else, do the following exercise:

1. Identify Your Dealbreakers – Think of the reasons why you would end the relationship. For some people, having a close friendship with an ex may be a dealbreaker. For others, having to give up friendships with exes is a dealbreaker.
2. Examine Your Dealbreakers – Put your dealbreakers to the test. Why are they dealbreakers for you?
3. Anticipate How Your Dealbreakers Will Be Received – Is your partner going to give ground on your dealbreakers? If you know how they’re likely to receive your dealbreakers, you can decide whether you’re in a viable relationship.
4. Ask What Your Partner’s Dealbreakers Are – Before you get more involved, you should know whether you can meet your partner’s expectations.

Making Exclusivity Work

Successful exclusive relationships require a meeting of the minds. That means communication, respect, and compromise. However, if both partners in a relationship truly want exclusivity, the effort is entirely worth it.

If you’re over 50 and aren’t in an exclusive relationship, SilverSingles is your top option for meeting compatible singles in your area. Sign up today!