Recognizing Red Flags Early in a Relationship 

“I’m never going to date another narcissist again.”

“No more relationships that come with baggage.”

“If you’re going to date me, you’d better have your act together.”

Do these proclamations sound familiar? Maybe you’ve heard a friend or family member say things like this; maybe you’ve said them on your own. As a mature single, you probably know what you do and don’t want in a relationship, but it’s not like people come with warning labels. So, how do you spot relationship red flags?

SilverSingles is the number one dating site and app for singles who are 50 and up. We match our members with a complex algorithm that determines compatibility, which is why our site has such a high success rate. Still, it’s essential that members are able to spot the warning signs of someone whose personality, habits, or life situation makes them a bad fit. In other words, how to spot a red flag.

What is a Red Flag?

A red flag is any sign that tells you that a potential dating partner may be a bad match or, worse, that they’re hiding an unattractive dating quality. Being able to spot a red flag is a valuable skill in dating. However, recognizing a red flag is only part of the struggle. You should be able to determine what they mean and whether or not the red flag trait is a dealbreaker for you. In the next section, we’ll review common red flags and what they might indicate. Then, we’ll discuss how to deal with red flags.

Common Red Flags

It’s important to recognize that these explanations are generalizations. Individuals often behave differently. However, if you see these signs, they warrant further exploration.

They’re Not Communicative

Some people just aren’t talkers, but in a relationship, communication is essential. If they won’t open up or carry on a decent conversation with you after a few dates, it may be a red flag. Incommunicativeness could indicate that your potential partner is hiding something, and they’re afraid that it will slip out. It could also mean that they have some unresolved trauma that they have not addressed. A third explanation is that they are not taking the relationship seriously enough to get into deeper conversations. Watch for these signs:

• Their level of communication changes when other people are present.
• They talk a lot but never say anything of substance.
• They turn every topic into a joke of some sort.
• They don’t answer your questions, choosing to evade the topic.

They Exhibit Controlling Behavior

Unfortunately, this is a trait that’s all too common in men of our generation, but some women exhibit signs of controlling behavior, too. People who are controlling often try to present their tendency as a concern for their partner’s wellbeing. For instance, someone asking you to “call when you get home” could be a genuine concern for your safety, or it could be a way to ensure that you don’t go anywhere between leaving them and your house. Here are a few tells that your partner may have control issues:

• Getting upset when you don’t call or text for a while
• Displaying jealousy of time you spend with friends and family
• Showing up unannounced
• Using the excuse that they just don’t like family members or friends to isolate you from them
• Snooping through your phone or personal items

If you’re uncertain that your partner is controlling, try setting a boundary and see if they respect it. For example, “no unannounced drop-ins.” A controlling person will not be able to resist the temptation of violating this boundary.

They Have Honesty Issues

Catching your partner in a lie should be a huge red flag, regardless of the stage of the relationship. Even if the explanation sounds innocent, you have to wonder why they chose to lie instead of telling the truth. However, the explanation may matter. For example, if your partner lies about going bowling, but you learn that the real reason they made up the story is because they were picking up your mother from the airport for a surprise visit, the dishonesty might be within acceptable parameters. So you don’t jump to conclusions, these steps may help you navigate dishonest information:

• Try to verify the veracity of the story. If you’re not certain it’s a lie, wait until you get more information or to see if they lie again.
• Weigh the possible explanations. Determine which ones you can rule out with corroborating information.
• If you are fairly certain they lied, ask for an explanation without presenting all of your information. They may tell additional lies to strengthen their story. If this happens, you know that they have a real problem with honesty.
• Decide whether their lie was reasonable under the circumstances.

It’s important to note that we’re not always entitled to the truth. For instance, if your partner has decided not to disclose a health issue (that’s not contagious), they may not feel comfortable telling you that they’re going to the doctor. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if there are reasonable exceptions.

Their Behavior is Suspicious

You may not feel like you have a right to know what your partner is doing when you’re not around. This may be because you have a healthy respect for your partner’s privacy, but it’s normal in most relationships to have some idea of what they’re doing when you’re not around.

If your partner is elusive about their whereabouts when you’re not with them, it could be a red flag. Suspicious behavior can mean anything from cheating to substance abuse to illegal activities. If you’re concerned about generally suspicious behavior, ask them about it.

They Have Emotional Issues

Emotions manifest themselves in many different forms of behavior. Watch the way that your partner interacts with other people when you’re out. There’s an old saying that you can judge a person’s temperament by the way they treat the wait staff. This is a trick that you should have in your pocket. If someone is comfortable being rude or abusive to a server in front of you — especially early on in the relationship — it’s a huge red flag. They may just not be a nice person. Also, watch how they interact with animals and children if the opportunity allows.

Other emotional red flags include outbursts of anger, argumentativeness, hypersensitivity, and general moodiness.

Financial Red Flags

Not everyone is well off, and you may be in a place where the financial circumstances of your partner are not an issue. However, financial instability is generally considered a less-than-desirable quality. Here are some things that could possibly be financial red flags for a relationship:

• Asking inappropriate personal questions about your finances early in the relationship
• Wanting to borrow money early in the relationship
• Pushing the idea of moving in to “combine expenses”
• They don’t have a bank account or credit cards
• They have been between jobs for a while

Whether material wealth matters is a personal decision, but relationships often work best when the parties are financial equals.

Past Relationship Patterns

Asking about past relationships is normal after the first few dates. Listen to how your partner speaks about their exes. Are they saying, “I just attract cheaters,” or “All of the women I’ve met in the past were crazy.” If your partner is talking about all of their past relationships as though their partners are a single person, you may want to consider the one common factor: the person you’re talking to.

Manipulative Behavior

While we’ve covered several types of manipulative behavior in this section, there are a few more behavior patterns that are worth mentioning.

• Passive-aggressive Behavior – Your partner is criticizing you but in a very indirect, non-aggressive way.
• Gaslighting – Denying something that you know has occurred.
• Playing on Your Sympathies – Your partner may use tears or self-deprecation to make you feel sorry for them.
• Sexual manipulation – Withholding sex or using it to elicit a specific behavior.
• Counter-accusations – They accuse you of the exact behavior that they’re doing.

Watch for signs of these common manipulations early on in the relationship. Don’t be afraid to call your partner out on them. They may not realize it’s something they’re doing.

Mature Singles Dating Site and App

No one wants to repeat the mistakes of their past relationships. If you are ready for love again and you’re interested in meeting mature singles, give SilverSingles a try. You can sign up for a basic profile on our site for free or upgrade to a Premium account and unlock the full potential of the app.